As far back as I can remember I have dreamt about having children. More specifically, I dreamed of being pregnant. While other little girls fantasized about their wedding dress and their prince charming, I waddled around the house with a pillow in my shirt saying, "My water broke, call 911!" There was something so charming to me about a pregnant woman. Something so peaceful and maternal, I always wanted to touch their bellies and pretend the baby kicked back in response to my hand. I could not wait to have the experience all for myself.
I was 22 when my husband and I found out we were expecting our first baby. We had only been married for 5 months, but knew from the start that we didn't want to wait long before starting our family. I had always wanted to be a young mom. When I saw that plus sign on the pregnancy test everything in me leapt for joy. Finally, I would have a pregnancy of my own; a belly of my own; a baby of my own. My first pregnancy was a breeze. Mild morning sickness was all I really had to complain about. I loved my huge belly, I loved the clothes, the preparation, even loved my prenatal visits to the doctor. Excitement was in the air. I was scheduled to be induced at 5 am on July 25, 2008. Around 2 am that morning the labor pains started on their own; this was it. 19 hours later, my husband and I, along with a whole slew of friends and relatives crowded outside the labor and delivery room, welcomed Staley Shane Weatherford into the world. He was absolute perfection, and I couldn't wait to get started on baby #2.
When the first pregnancy went so smoothly, it was impossible to think of the second being any different. Sure, I would get bigger sooner, I would have the added work of caring for an infant while growing an infant, but women had done it for hundreds of years, and I was rearing to go! So it came as no surprise when 3 months after Staley was born we had another positive pregnancy test. All the same emotions flooded over me when I found out I was pregnant again. I couldn't wait to wear my maternity clothes again, I couldn't wait to find out if it would be another boy or a girl, and cute baby names consumed my every waking thought. It wasn't long before my naivety came face to face with my reality.
First, every pregnancy is different. Not tiny insignificant differences either. In my case, with each pregnancy the symptoms intensified. Mild morning sickness became unbearable nausea and daily vomiting. An annoying headache was now the equivalent of a tiny little being hammering away inside my skull. Blood pressure got higher, my face and feet got fatter, and my hormones got further and further away from normal.
It was somewhere in the 3rd trimester of my second pregnancy that I realized exactly what it was that I had become; insane. In truth, there is very little difference between a pregnant woman and a wild animal. Both creatures will love you as long as you have food in your hand, and both will consider your hand food when it's all that's left extended. Both have an excellent sense of smell and will hunt down and find even the tiniest morsel of chocolate within a 5 mile radius. And perhaps the most significant similarity for this discussion, both strike fear in the hearts of their mates through the entirety of their pregnancies.
At this point in my life I feel that my understanding of pregnancy and what it does to a woman, physically and emotionally, is as sharp as it will ever be. However, I cannot imagine what the experience is really like for the man involved. I cannot fathom riding the roller coaster of hormones, cravings, and anxiety with the woman you love but think should be institutionalized. And so, I am writing this to all of our patient, loving, and absolutely terrified fathers. I have compiled 8 steps to taming a pregnant woman. (Disclaimer: this only applies to pregnant females of the human variety).
Step 1: Be considerate.
Pregnancy takes quite a toll on a woman's body. If you are one of those men who think this is exaggerated, I recommend swallowing a watermelon whole and letting it pass through your system. Let me know how that turns out for you! It takes 9 months for the baby to develop and be ready to greet the world, but also for the momma to be ready. Most mornings she will wake up feeling like she didn't sleep at all. She'll feel like she's constantly whining about how horrible she feels, when really her complaints don't even scratch the surface of how bad it is. She feels crazy and she feels overwhelmed, and she needs to know that you understand. Sure you'll never be able to empathize, but you don't take lightly the sacrifices she's making for your family. It doesn't go without saying; she needs to hear it.
Step 2: Keep her fed.
Perhaps the most notorious symptom of pregnancy is the unceasing need for food. Sometimes normal human food, and sometimes crazy unexplainable cravings. I cannot describe to you how strong these cravings are. The triggers are many and they are often not preventable. A fast food commercial can send her into a frenzy. A memory of eating candy at Halloween as a child can literally make her salivate in anticipation. When she wants it, you should try your best to deliver it! If gone unsatisfied that craving will fester, eventually leading to a binge episode. Take it from me, it's best to catch it before it is allowed to grow and mature into something worse than the need for a Snickers bar.
Step 3: Don't be afraid to intervene.
Oh the things people say to pregnant women! It never ceases to amaze me how negative strangers can be. When I was noticeably pregnant with my second son and would be shopping at Wal-Mart with my first son in the basket, people would constantly stop me just so that they could tell me, "You're going to have your hands full!" With a shopping cart full of Huggies and a body full of raging hormones, it was so difficult to be polite. My usual response was, "Better full than empty", although I was thinking, "Really? I hadn't thought of that, maybe I should rethink this!" Another favorite is, "Don't you know what causes that?" How I would have loved to say, "Yep, and we must be doing it right to be this productive!" I was always thankful when my husband would jump in and respond so that I didn't have to be tacky. We don't enjoy being rude or short with people, so an intervention by you will always be appreciated, if not right away, eventually.
Step 4: Don't let her scare you off.
In every marriage, there are ups and there are downs. You may find that during pregnancy your downs are suddenly lower than you think you can climb out of. One of the most frustrating things about being pregnant is how out of control your emotions become. Any disagreement with my husband would open up the floodgates. I couldn't explain what was wrong, because I didn't know. The simplest things made me cry uncontrollably. If I wasn't wallowing in tears and sorrow, I was the biggest, scariest defensive tackle you've ever encountered. "What's wrong," would send me into defense mode and I would verbally attack my unsuspecting husband. It would be completely understandable for you, as the husband, to throw your arms up in defeat rather than pursue a disagreement. Don't let her scare you off. She wants to work it out, she's just out of control. Be persistent, be patient, and reassure her that you love her regardless of your dispute. Sometimes having her write what she's feeling is a better method of communicating. When we can't speak because we're slinging snot everywhere, pen and paper are a better medium for expressing our thoughts.
Step 5: Pamper, Pamper, Pamper.
Never underestimate the power of lotions and massages. A pregnant woman is never without an aching muscle, and being pampered when you're in such a frustrating condition is always a welcomed gesture. Don't ask her, "Can I give you a foot rub," just get some lotion and rub those smelly, achy feet. Run her a bath, let her sleep late in the morning when you know she really needs it, or bring her flowers for absolutely no reason other than that you love her and appreciate her. Make her feel like a princess.
Step 6: Show your excitement!
I realize that decorating a nursery and registering for gifts for your baby shower aren't high up on a man's to-do list, but they are on hers. While you're thinking, "Do we really need a special trash can to dispose of diapers in", your pregnant wife is researching and critiquing the dozens of different styles of diaper pales thinking, "I want nothing but the best for my baby's poop!" Even when you don't see the point, let her see that you're excited. Make an effort to do the things that aren't that big of a deal to you. Help her pick out the baby bedding, go with her to birthing classes, and show her that this is just as significant to you as it is to her. You will fall in love with one another all over again as you start to see each not only as spouse, but as the mother/father of your baby, and that's pretty exciting!
Step 7: Never compare her to a wild animal.
At the forefront of my mind there is always the lingering fear that I am slipping further and further away from sanity. More often than not I feel like this thought is in the same spot in my husband's mind. I am eternally thankful that it has never made its way to his lips. Hormone fluctuations seriously make you feel crazed, which is a very depressing thought for a pregnant woman. Looking yourself in the mirror and realizing that the normal girl that used to live here is gone, and in her place is a demonic alter ego, is a pretty scary thought. As hard as it might be to keep the, "Are you insane," comments to yourself, it could very well save your life, and your marriage. Yes, she is a little insane, but it is only temporary. At some point over the next 18 years the loving, level-headed woman you fell madly in love with will return, and I don't think it's too much to ask for you to suck it up until then.
Step 8: Never give up.
This is one of the most difficult phases your marriage will ever go through. A pregnant woman feels like she is literally being pulled in a million different directions. How can she be a mother to her existing children, as well as a wife to her husband, while she feels like everything she has is being used up by the tiny little life growing in her belly. She cannot give 100% to everything, so now more than ever it is your job to pick up the slack and help her out. Keep in mind that it's only temporary, and that you're not alone. She's struggling through it as well, and as long as you are both committed to each other you will live to see the end result. Hang in there and be encouraged; men having been doing this for hundreds of years.
